Apr 12, 2013

K is for Kidnap

I'm not entirely sure how this song ended up in my music library, but it did.

Also not entirely sure this is the right version, Ehtiopian wi-fi won't let me listen properly, but I was inspired by a version not in the movie 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. I actually have to extras.  But I guess the lyrics are the same.

“Everyone understand?” T'ibs asked, looking at his crew mates.

Ch'oha nodded, but S'hay still looked a little unsure.

“What?” T'ibs snapped at him.

“It's just that, we are breaking several laws doing this. Not just Earthen laws, but Interplanetary Laws.”


“If we get caught...”

Ch'oha spat on the roof. “We're not gonna get caught. Look, we're wearing Earthen garments. We've got masks,” he dangled a rubber face from his fingers, “and I'm taking out the cameras.”

“But what about eye witnesses?”

“They'll think we're humans! Plus, it's a quick timed port. We'll only be down there for two seconds and then the ship will bring us back here along with what ever human at least two of us are touching. There won't be time for an eye witness to see things!”

S'hay still seemed unsure, but T'ibs wasn't going to give him the time to back out. He looked at his watch. “Ten seconds till the camera go off, thirteen till port. Put on your masks.”

They did so, the rubber faces covering their bright white skin. T'ibs looked back at his watch. “Four, three, two, one.”

They were standing on a podium covered with a red fabric, and there was a three foot candy cane and a chair between them and their target. Two seconds, that's all they had. They ran towards the man in the chair. Ch'oha got tangled up in the candy cane, but S'hay and T'ibs put their hands on the red suited fat human just in time.

And then they were back on the roof, fat man blinking and Ch'oha cussing about bruises.

“Hurry!” T'ibs hissed at him and he scampered into the ship towards the cockpit. T'ibs grabbed the rope on the roof just for this situation and started trying it around the human before he could realize what was going on. When he finished, S'hay helped him drag the man up the ramp into the hold. T'ibs hit the button on the side to close it and once Ch'oha's instruments showed the door was closed the ship's thrusters went from idle to full power and they lifted up over the roof of the mall before shooting skyward into the atmosphere.

S'hay went to take off his mask, but T'ibs stopped him. “It tastes funny.”

“So what, this guy here is a witness too you know.”

“Oh. But you know, most humans don't have ships like this...”

T'ibs ignored him and turned to the fat man. “How do we contact the real Santa Claus?”


“Santa! We want to talk to him!”

“Hate to break it to you, but he's not actually real.”

“Shut up! We have proof!”

Ch'oha walked in, leaving the ship to it's own devices.

“Look, he's pretty smart this Santa. And supposed to have all these powers. We'll just have to rely on the back up plan.”

“I guess.”

“Ship.” Ch'oha said to the ceiling and it beeped to show it was listening. “Take us to the North Pole and hover.”

Earthen lore stated Santa Claws was or had been some type of saint and T'ibs had a hard time thinking that a saint wouldn't 1) keep track of those who impersonate him since they worked as messengers and 2) come to their aid. Having the ship near Santa's house diminished the time between now and when they met.

The ship rocked.

Maybe the time was a little to short. T'ibs was nervous now about actually meeting the fellow, even if lore called him jolly. They did just kidnap one of his messengers.

“Ship, status report.” Ch'oha said.

“A one man craft has just docked on the top of the hull.”

Footsteps sounded from above them, and S'hay played with the edge of his mask. “I told you this was a bad idea.”

“Shut up!” T'ibs told him.

There the sound, of all things, of a Shatot laser and all three of them looked up to see a hole being carved into the metal above them. The wobbly circle of metal clashed to the floor and down dropped none other than Santa Claus.

He was not as large as lore made him out to be, no stomach jutting out over his pants. But he did have a beard and long white hair and rosy cheeks. He was not jolly at the moment though, his eyes were not twinkling stars. They were twinkling lasers and T'ibs was very aware of the one in Santa's hand.

“Look here!” T'ibs yelled at Santa, stepping forward and taking the human's gaze from S'hay. “It's not fair that you only deliver gifts to Earth. We want them on Shatot too!”

Santa turned to T'ibs and in perfect Baci said “I have been on Shatot. I know the people and its culture and know that you are not extremists but rather average citizens of my old planet. The culture is disgusting and not willing to change. Gifts to your children would just make it worse, while here on Earth I can help the children grow in the right direction. No, you will not get them.”

And with that, Santa turned his laser on all three of them. They evaporated in a bust of red dust. After untying the mall Santa he turned around and inspected the ship. His was a flying junk yard compared to this beauty, and there was more cargo space in this one. It would be much easier to deliver gifts to the moon with this ship.


Hehe, Santa's an alien trying to improve the human race. I'll have to look into this idea a little more later. 


  1. What a great story! Hope to see it around again next Christmas :)
    Happy Ato Z-ing
    Jemima at Jemima's blog

    1. Perhaps. I might even through in the Easter Bunny.

  2. Replies
    1. Thanks! I enjoyed writing it. Santa surprised me at the end.