As I am wont to do, I was recently
writing and writing. And constantly changing my inner outline. One
more chapter to go. No, do the chapter and then a sequel. Nope, just
an extra chapter and that's it. Nah, the extra chapter, and the
sequel!
The problem that sent me towards
doubting and reevaluating my ending was a simple phrase a character
slipped out in my climax. My immortal spirit, who had planned on
using his body as a human cage for death because he couldn't die and
thus could handle it, was not actually a prison but an all you can
eat buffet for death.
Cue massive hair-pulling. Should I
keep this random game changer line, or delete it and follow the
original outline? If I kept it, how do I continue the story and have
death defeated? I fretted and paced, started threads in brainstorming
forums (anyone else on CC?), called a friend who gave me lots of
examples of possible solutions from Torchwood and Supernatural, and
spilled my soul to a reader and pretty much 'asked what should I do'?
Talking helped, I think best when faced
with a question and forced to solve it. Many a brainstorming session is
me in the car with my sister askings things like why does the MC hate
water (childhood trauma) and why doesn't he just ask for help
(uh...point...no reason he shouldn't) and if my aliens don't have
arms, what type of weapons do they have? (magic!)
But nothing was helping. And then my
reader threw in his two cents on both options and then essentially
said do what ever you want, I'd read and enjoy it either way.
At which point, I realized that I had already had made a decision
before all this fretting had started. What I had actually been
looking for was not assistance in my writing, but confirmation that
my ideas didn't suck.
I never knew I needed that confirmation
before. Or rather, that I hid that need. I have a notebook filled
with every review I've gotten (most from fanfictions I've written,
yes, but if someone says you moved them to tears with your writing
you feel elated no matter what the subject matter) and stats on how
many people have read my fics and get e-mail alerts. I'm liked, even
if it's a small audience.
So why the sudden insecurity?
That's harder to pinpoint. But I
realized it wasn't just this story. I've gone through similar cycles
with other tales, and looking back they're all stories I'm obsessive
about and love to death. The ones I'm proud off.
It's like, I've just performed at a
piano recital and I want people to be talking about what I played and
not what the other student in the poofy dress did. I worked hard and
I don't want it to be for naught. I don't want to be overlooked.
My agitation and worrying and frantic
notes to my sister that she won't get for another three weeks thanks
to Ethiopian post, was essentially me sending feelers out for a
support system. And once I found it, in a single reader who I only
know by their username, I was fine. I could go back to writing. The
world was good.
I might not need it all the time, I
might not need the same one for every project, but I need a support
system. Honestly the idea that I even need one is new. I'm
independent! I can take care of things and figure them out by myself!
(In hindsight, that may have something to do with the one time I got
fired from a job.) But as I realized recently, I really can't. I
might be able to do the work by myself, but everything associated
with the work I can't. I need to know I'm doing a good job, that
it's entertaining, that people love my characters or laughed out
loud, or they got that tight feeling in their chest.
Betas, readers, friends (and agents and
editors in the hopeful future) are just as important to a book as the
author is. They make authors feel valued and not stupid and that
results in more novels and stories. We, authors, need to be told to
settle down and stop worrying, that things will work out and projects
will be completed and that loyal fan will someday appear.
Endings are tough. Having a random last minute character-induced change is even tougher. I'm glad you figured it out, and had help to do so.
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