I first chose to do this song
essentially for the first two lines, and when I actually looked up the
lyrics was a little disappointed. But hey, I stuck with it.
I have known you since my birth. Not
that I remember the first time meeting you, but you remember meeting
me for the first time. The small little bundle in the yellow blanket
with chubby fingers and a wrinkly forehead, even then a boob person.
But you know, I think that comes with
the territory of you being my mom.
And because of that, I like to think I
know you. I know your moods and looks, that you unplug that cable box
during the week so I don't watch TV, that you like to eavesdrop in my
phone calls, that you yell at me to take my pile of dirty clothes
downstairs and put them in the washing machine, that you like to
relax with a Mike's Hard Lemonade after a day at work, that you have
been trying for years to grow a fruit producing apple tree. I know
that you hate the idea of sex before college and that if you caught
me with vodka in a water bottle or pot in my glove compartment you
would kill me.
Which is why I hid such things in a
grocery bag under the passenger seat, kept there with a net.
I did not expect you to clean out your
car, and when you finished early to snag the keys from the dish by
the garaged door, unlock my car, and start cleaning that. That's the
last time I play video games with headphones on, I want to hear you
hollering down the stairs you're taking a vacuum to my muddy mats.
But what I expected even less was you
coming down to the basement, dragging me up the stairs and standing
me in front of my battered Ford Escort, pot and vodka on the hood,
and destroy it with laser beam eyes.
I mean, holy shit, how did you hide
that from me for seventeen years? Does Dad know? Screw my melting
hunk of a car, complete with backpack full of homework on the
backseat, what if one day you glare at me and your eyes just turn
silver and boom, I'm a pile of ashes on the floor?
What. The. Fuck.
I didn't really listen to your speech
about drugs and alcohol, you blowing up my car was a pretty clear
indication that you were a proud member of D.A.R.E and M.A.D.D and a
whole bunch of other organizations. And holy shit yes I'm never
bringing that stuff home again, hell, if the threat is a glare that
can melt cars I'm not touching that stuff until I'm 21 and I'll stay
a virgin till marriage.
Before I can ask questions, how long
have you had laser beam eyes, where did you get that power from, why
did you hide it (okay, I can understand that one) you turn around and
walk back into the house. I can hear the click of the lock and know
that you've forbidden me to enter until I think of some way to
apologize for being a stupid teenager who disobeys his mom.
At first I thought of using my fake to
get you those Mike's Hard Lemonades and credit Dad, but that probably
wouldn't work. So instead I spend all the money in my wallet on half
off Easter candy and hope the Peeps aren't stale. I also ask for a
single sheet of paper from the printer behind the photo station at
the supermarket and make a handmade 'I'm sorry' card, 1st
grade style. Okay, 5th grade style because my handwriting
improved drastically between 4th and 5th grade.
The walk to Wal-Mart had been long, and
I really didn't want to do it with bags full of candy, so I called
Dad and he came to pick me up on his way back home. And you know
what? He knows about your car melting power. It's a good thing they
first time you...did it....with Dad you were outside. Replacing a
house is a lot more costly than replacing a junk car.
But really, you have laser beam eyes!
Why?
Actually, I'm not sure I want to know.
But I do know that the next time you say 'no' or 'wash your dirty
laundry' I'm doing it.
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So glad my mom doesn't have this power.
Fascinating story. Glad I stopped by! The laser-beam eyes make me think of Superman with his heat vision... what if his mom had the same power?!?
ReplyDeleteJaimie at Living in the Light
A to Z Challenge Ambassador
If Superman's mom was on Earth, she probably would.
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